John Pierre is an educator at Corinth Teachers' Training College, a lay minister and a Confirmation teacher at Our Lady of Lourdes church, Tacarigua.

But his claim to fame -- for the purposes of this article -- is that he has fathered two sons with his wife Marilyn and continues to guide and maintain a strong relationship with them, even though they both live abroad -- in two different countries. Sheldon, 28, is studying and working in the field of marketing in London , England , and Maurice, 26, is a biologist in Miami , United States .

Now 57, Pierre said: “My understanding of fatherhood has been transformed from when I was a child. I thought that a father had to be a stern, strict, almost inflexible person -- because that is what my father was. When I became a father I saw that as something of the past and something I did not really want to repeat with my children. My approach was that of a facilitating, conciliatory kind of person.”

Being open

One of the main things about being a good father is to be open. Recognise that your children are growing individuals and they need the space to learn and make mistakes.

Pierre puts it this way: “I think fatherhood must combine the desire to transmit positive male values to your sons, if you have sons, but should also allow them to feel they can make mistakes, that they are human and you accept them as human and you do not want to shape every aspect of their lives.”

As his sons grew and changed, he did what he could to guide them while giving them the space to be themselves.

“I have adjusted my method of fathering as time went along. I have let go a lot. I don't feel I need to impose my will on my sons.”

Sheldon and Maurice seemed to have responded well to his open and humble method of fathering. Pierre says they never gave him trouble.

When they became teenagers he spoke to them plainly: “This is new territory for me and it is new territory for you because you have never been a teenager before and I have never been the father of teenagers. So I am going to make mistakes and I guess you will make mistakes too, so let us just not go overboard about the mistakes.”

During their adolescent years he maintained close contact with them. He talked to them without prying, kept up certain family activities like playing chess and Scrabble, drove the boys to and from social and sports events and, generally, did what he could to stay close.

He realised that his sons went through phases, and although he may have commented about certain things it was “nothing to get uptight about”.

It was important for his sons to feel they could approach him.

“Being a good father from my perspective means being understanding, accepting, facilitating, open to what they might have to say or what they might feel, in such a way that they do not feel constrained or afraid to express their feelings,” he said.

Unfortunately, he did not have that kind of open relationship with his own father, who passed on years ago: “There were lots of things I could not tell my father. One of the most painful ones I could not tell him was that I love him.”

All grown up

Now that his sons are grown and living a great distance away, Pierre says the greatest challenge to good fathering at this stage is the distance.

John Pierre with his wife Marilyn and sons Sheldon and Maurice

“I just wish it wasn't so expensive to make phone calls,” he remarked, laughing. He sees himself nowadays more in the role of making suggestions.

He does not get worked up when his sons' lives are not going the way he wishes. He has continued letting go with the hope that they will keep to the values they learned at home.

“You are not going to change them if you did not set them on the right path when they were small. There is no point in bullying them into doing what you want now. They are already shaped, their minds are formed, to a large extent by what you did.”

When asked if he thinks his sons will be good fathers, if and when their time comes, his reply was: “I think I have prepared them to be men [and fathers] Who can listen? Who understands what a spirituality is? Who understands the importance of journeying with the child through whatever he goes through without giving ultimatums.”

Teaching and parenting

In 2002, Pierre took a training course with a group called Creative Parenting for the New Era (CPNE). His sons were already grown but he saw the training as being possibly helpful in his work as an educator.

The training dealt with self-awareness, communication, parenting, health and relationship issues. He viewed it as a useful tool for helping student teachers to deal with their own issues, so they would not take them into the classroom.

“When you go into the classroom you have to be able to receive what the students want to give you. You do not want to bring stuff in there that is going to get between you and the student.”

Before becoming a lecturer at Corinth Teachers' Training College (a job he loves because he thinks “South people” are very pleasant), Pierre taught at a junior secondary school for 22 years.

There are many parallels between teaching and parenting, and he saw how the use of his positive parenting skills helped his teaching.

About his students, he said, “I could sense in them a magnificence that a lot of people may not have seen, but all it needed was facilitating. You just needed to give them the opportunity and the encouragement to let it out.”

Whether educating youngsters or young adults, parenting has a role. Pierre said: “Parenting is not something that is relegated to you dealing with your children. Your fatherhood is really about how you see yourself and the mission that God has given to you. It must permeate your whole life. You do not switch it off and switch it on.”

To young men and new fathers

To new fathers, Pierre says, "One thing I know is that I am still learning to be a father, so if you are a new father you have a whole long journey ahead of you, a really magnificent road to walk.”

Fathers need to be open to the reality that they are not going to be perfect, but will pick up the skills of fatherhood along the way.

“To some extent, try to be as proactive as possible, and that comes about by reading, knowing your role, and trying to put things in place in advance,” he explained.

Fathers, like everyone else, will make mistakes, but there are always opportunities to set things right and it is important for men to learn to say, “I am sorry”.

He has learned some hard lessons from his own relationship with his father.

“When things are not cleared up between father and son they cause problems long after,” Pierre noted.

He also believes that if children observe the adults around them saying “sorry”, particularly the men, the behaviour becomes ingrained in them.

Young men need to understand what real manhood is about before they can be good fathers.

“The qualities that are associated with manhood are not necessarily the qualities that make you a man,” Pierre remarked. “You can be a man without dominating, without controlling, without manipulating…a man can be gentle, understanding...You don't have to be aggressive to be male.”

Pierre said a lot of the current negatives in society were as a result of young men not understanding that their role was to help people up, give others a deep sense of self and bring wholeness to people's lives, whether fathers or not.

So what does it take to be a man? “To be a man you need to be someone who is steadfast, dependable but also facilitating, helping other people to be who God made them to be.”

Closing advice

“I think that is one thing we bring into fathering -- our perception of how God deals with us,” Pierre stated. If you see God as unreachable and always pointing out mistakes, you may find yourself being that way to your children.

In closing, he offered this advice: “To be a father is to be given one of the most sacred privileges. It is something that has to be cherished and that you have to really be thankful for…that you were given this opportunity to be a father, to share in God's work of creation. Because of that, it is nothing that should be taken lightly, not one second of one minute of one day.”