It was Old Year’s night, a bitter-sweet night for Carol as it was also her 45th birthday. She sat in her front porch all alone, as fireworks lit up the sky, and she cried. She cried out 45 years of regret.

“I cried for the man I loved, who I hurt and lost, I cried for my grandmother whom I never got the chance to say goodbye to, I cried for the money I did not have to go to university, I cried for the many years I had to pretend to be tough because I did not want anyone to know how sad I was”, she said. Forty-five years of sorrow streaked down her face as she held on to all the memories of what could no longer be.

Regret is not simply an emotional experience but a reflection of how we view events. Unresolved, regret can lead to shame and guilt which in turn can have damaging effects on physical and mental well-being. Carol was living in the world of regret – a place in which too many women in Trinidad and Tobago reside.

She looked up to the sky, “Lord, please take me out of this misery,” she cried. Then as the pyrotechnic lights diminished she went to bed to face another day; she would put away those tears until next year. 

At one point or another every woman has felt the pain of regret. But how do we deal with this emotion? Many do like Carol and bury it until a trigger comes up to remind us.

Many psychologists believe that regret is useful because it allows us to correct the mistakes of our past. However women must create an action plan to deal with their regrets otherwise we may find ourselves constantly living in the past and not moving forward with our lives.

The first step in moving on is knowing one’s self. At this stage everyone should know what they stand for. This allows us to make better decisions about our lives so that we do not regret our actions later on. The regrets of the past are also supposed to aid us in making wiser decisions in the future.

In the stage of regret, many women are really struggling to feel good about themselves again; women need to accept that whatever has happened in their lives has happened for a reason; in order to bring them to this present stage in their journey.

Change your mental focus from what could have been to what presently exists. A dear friend of mine broke off a ten-year relationship because her boyfriend was cheating; years later she still regrets that decision since he is now happily married and she is not.

What she does not ever take into her mental focus is the great successes she has made in her life since then and the stronger woman she has become.

You have control over the picture in your mind, but if your focus is only on the negatives of what has happened then you will never grow to celebrate the positives.

If the cause of your regret lies within your own reach – such as something you have done – forgive yourself and promise yourself not to repeat it. Then start working on improving your self-esteem and confidence. It is never too late to start anew.

Live your life in the present to reflect the classic words of Frank Sinatra, “ Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention”. Remember, mistakes happen to help us grow.